Hush little baby
I find myself spending a lot of my time looking and swooning over baby nurseries. With just mere weeks before my own child’s arrival due, I can’t help but look. A room decorated to perfection with so much attention paid to every single last detail. New parents awaiting their babies arrival, trying to get it right.
Preparing for a baby is an exciting time, emotions and hormones are all over the place and I have found myself buzzing around in a frantic state trying to get things perfect. Prior to the arrival of a newborn, you want everything to be perfect, to be ready, to provide the best start in life to your child. It is understandable that parents to be spend so much time in baby stores and home stores, decorating the home, the nursery to suit this tiny new humans taste. To have the home ready, to have a room ready for baby, a room fit for that little Prince or Princess. A room to be proud of. A room to represent this new change in lifestyle. It has to be right.
I have a very vivid image in my mind of how I would have wished to decorate a nursery for my baby. I would want everything to be pristine, clean, light and open. Minimalist but fitting. White oak furniture and a wicker feeding chair. A sheepskin rug and few shelving units. I have it all planned out.
The only issue; I live in a one bedroom flat. My baby does not get the luxury of a nursery. We have a ‘baby corner’ in the bedroom. Plastic drawers for storing supplies and materials, clothing and a cot bed. We cannot put any murals or paintings on the wall, due to risk of the wall crumbling above us. Not ideal. Not what I had in mind. Not what I would wish for my first child. but, at this time it is all that we have. We make do. I try to be happy.
I observe the nurseries of others and fill with envy. I wish to have this for my child, a room for my baby. A calm place to sit with them, a room to be alone and to bond. A room to make memories in, a place my child can grow. I thought that when I was to fall pregnant for the first time (I want to have three children), I would be newly engaged, in a good position within my line of work,moved into our first time family home – a real home. It would be the perfect start, the perfect time to welcome baby. A place to grow.
As I prepare to begin family life, I mull over the fact that this is not what I had in mind. Not my picture perfect heaven. Not how I had ever planned or imagined this to go. Not how I wanted to bring my first born into the world. I think about this and begin to feel sad. I will give a little insight, I reside in a one bed flat in a block of six. I live with my boyfriend and his dog. There is a communal garden, only it doesn’t really amount to much. The neighbors are quiet, just a few others reside in this block. A few flats lie empty. It is peaceful, little bustle.
I have tried to make our home a pleasant and cosy spot. To smell warm, to look cosy and to feel homely. I do my best with what we have. I try to have it lovely and I work hard to maintain things. To keep home in good order and clean. I suppose it is a place to call home, ideal or not, for now, it is all that we have.
I fear that this may be home forever. My child will never experience a bedroom of their own, we will remain living in an over crowded space and my family will never be able to expand or to grow. I can’t have three children as long as we remain here. My child cannot have friends round, we don’t have the space. At this stage, I feel uncertain of our living arrangements, the future and feel helpless. Will my position ever allow us a family home? The unknown worries and stresses me. I feel hopeless, there is little that I can do to better my family and our position. Will this be it? Is this all that I have to offer to my family, my child? Have I already set myself up for failure? Heartbreaking.
My baby is yet to take their first breaths of the outside world. I wonder what life will bring to them. What is in store? I hope for a happy and bright future, for that family home, for good health and happiness. I hope to better myself, to do well and work hard. To get myself into a better position and improve my families situation. I feel that I NEED to do well and succeed. It is not just about me anymore. I am about to become a Mother, I cannot fail my child. They deserve the world. If I could, I would give it to them.
I continuously examine what we have or don’t have for baby. I hope that what we have and what we have done so far will be enough. I hope that I can provide, love and nurture my child. To be the best mum that I can for them. This tiny human whom I can call my own. Right now, my inability to provide some things make me feel that I lack the ability to be a good Mother.
I know that I should be more positive, I have to be. I must be kind to myself but it doesn’t come easy. Especially not at this time, emotions running high, feeling tired. The unknown and fear of the future scares me. I do not know what life will bring. I do not know what I can bring or if the family home I have always desired will ever be in reach. It consumes me with sadness.
I hope to be more positive, for my mood to improve and to feel happier. To feel at peace with life as it stands and to take each day as it comes. After all, we can only work with what we have. This doesn’t make me a bad mum, surely? I am going to try to live in the moment, to think more happy thoughts and to shine through this darkness and fear. The say that good things come to those who wait. I guess I am yet to find this out. If waiting will get me anywhere, if waiting will provide for my family when the time is right. I hope that this is not all that life can provide.
I can only dream of a better future, that picture perfect future that I had predetermined for myself. I have to be thankful and grateful for this time. I feel like I should feel happy, I should feel content and filled of joy but it can be tough. I try. In the mean time, I can only work on doing what I can and being the best that I can. The best Mother, daughter and girlfriend.
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction, ends up being the biggest step of your life.