Stuck on repeat. Confessions of an introvert.

Following the departure of my working career (temporarily) and the birth of my baby girl,  I have found that lately my life seems to be an endless cycle of nothing more than nappy changes and feeds.

Without a set routine to go with and not waking up to face a day of work I’m a little lost for ideas of what to do and feel like a broken record stuck on repeat. Most days are the same and the weeks merge into one.

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Getting out with a newborn alone is no easy task. You cannot simply get up and go. There are many things to take into consideration and your baby’s mood can really affect how much or how little you achieve any given day. I didn’t expect to be so trapped. I think trapped is the best way to describe how I feel.

If Eleanor is in a bad mood from the get go and won’t even allow the time to shower without tearing up and shouting for a feed then you can cast your bets I’m not getting dressed, never mind getting out. I worry that this bothers me less than it should. I fear that I’m becoming even more isolated from the outside, especially now. I have a baby as an excuse to stay home where I’m comfortable. The outside world has become a bit if a minefield.

It does get a little draining though. I won’t lie. As comfortable as I am in the home,  this sort of routine I’m in is lonely. It’s dull. Days have become one and a day consists of nothing more than snacking in between nappy changes and nursing Eleanor. Of course, there are plenty of quick breaks to run to the kitchen and grab an instant coffee, I’m surprised I haven’t made myself sick with the amount I consume. Trust me, I need it.

My daily outfit is a pair of grey jogging bottoms, worse for wear slippers and a dressing gown that has too, seen better days. Some days I miss my motivation. The get up and go attitude I once had and the outfits I would look out the night prior. I don’t even bother to set out clothes for myself anymore. I know all too well it will be the same old. I’ve lost a sense of pride that I once had and no longer care for how I look.

I have days here and there where I feel good about myself. This is usually when I get the time to make a bit of an effort even of that only stretches as far as a scrape of concelor and a dash of Mascara. Benefits Boing is a life saver by the way. On most days, I feel like an old hag. Old before my time, unkept hair, a weekly wardrobe that is almost shameful and eye bags that would scare you. I have so many beautiful items and dresses yet I can’t be bothered to wear them. I don’t feel good enough about myself at this time.

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Netflix has become the daily go to, I don’t have to be watching anything. I just need some background noise that will drown out the baby cries. Although, I must say, I did binge watch stranger things on Netflix and I don’t regret it for a minute. Can someone confirm when season three will begin??

I try to incorporate reading into my daily routine but again, not each day allows for the chance to open a book and even if I get that far, some days I just don’t have the concentration span to read (I don’t have a lot of concentration post birth. My attention span has become real limited and I can’t take in a lot at once. My mind turns to a haze). I could read pages and pages but not take a single word in. Defeating the purpose and insulting a good book unnecessarily.

I don’t get the time to bake right now, or maybe I just don’t make the time. Anyways, as far as I got with baking was watching the bake off which has come to an end. The time I went to the shop to pick up supplies the shelves lacked the ingredients I required. A wasted trip and I haven’t bothered to make any moves on the baking front since.

Perhaps I’m just making excuses for myself. I’m very capable, I know this but I just can’t bring myself to do much of anything in a day. Not unless I have company but with a fiance at work and little friends I suddenly become very incapable and self conscious when out in public.

I mean, I’ve always been shy and a super awkward introvert but this is different. This is a new found sense of incapacity that I’ve only come to discover post pregnancy. God, I hope Eleanor does not become trapped in the mind of an introvert. Socialising her is very important for me.

If I don’t have my Mother or Euan at hand I rarely get out, especially with the colder weather setting in. It’s all too easy to just snuggle up on the sofa with my babe and wish the day away. I have play time with Eleanor and I do read her books but with being so young this doesn’t really get taken in by her. Eleanor is much more interested in the boob than anything else.

Motherhood has changed me for certain and I don’t think I have the motivation I once had. Some days I don’t even bother anymore. It seems easier not too but perhaps I’m just fooling myself. Maybe I should bother. Maybe I need to bother again.

I know that I cannot keep this up and remain stuck on repeat each day. I’m a broken record and I lack motivation. If I don’t have any help around, I find it a struggle to get out and when I do go out alone, I’m a nervous wreck. I was standing in the queue at the local shop to get some lunch last week, Eleanor began to cry. Rather than wait my turn, I put the items I had selected back and left the store. I’d rather be hungry than face a mild panic attack.

My point is, as a new Mother, sure I’ve taken to Motherhood and am loving the new part that I play and all that comes along with it. Eleanor is the best little bundle I could have ever asked for and already I can’t wait to expand my family but it’s safe to say I am losing myself if not already lost. I find Motherhood a struggle. Not managing a baby and caring for Eleanor. That’s the easy part. What I struggle with is my mind and the motivation loss. I don’t feel like I am myself anymore. I’m a bundle of nerves, a little on edge and fail to concentrate.

Any form of excitement has left me. Things I’d get excited about previous are now nothing more than things. For instance, I love my birthday but this year, I could have done without it. I have so much hope excitement for my baby and when I play with her I feel nothing but excited but when it comes to taking myself into consideration, I simply don’t care.

I no longer pay much attention to what I wear, doing my hair and make up. I don’t care about getting out the same and the most exercise I get is from bending up and down to the floor picking up baby muslins and bibs! This is not how I ever was, even on bad days I’d make an effort. I’m looking to find motivation within myself again. I have every reason to be motivated.

How do you become yourself again post baby? Somewhere along the line I’ve lost myself. I want to promptly find myself and the motivation I once had with an attitude to match. I’m tired of being tired and living in a dressing gown afraid to venture outdoors alone.

Have you had a baby and struggled to find the motivation that you once had? Has anyone had a child and suddenly become a bag of nerves, struggled to get out for fear of the unknown? I hope I’m not the only one. I feel a bit crazy really. I know how silly I sound. Something as easy as stepping outside has become a bit of a milestone. Isn’t that silly?

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Basically, I’m looking for any ideas, tips and tricks. What do you do at home with a baby who won’t settle? How did you get creative and find motivation? How did you become yourself again post baby?

Keren x

11 thoughts on “Stuck on repeat. Confessions of an introvert.

  1. I think every mom goes through this. I wore a beat up Knicks t shirt for I think the first 6 months, and I’m not even a basketball fan. It’s really hard- you just have to remember to take care of yourself, and find down to earth mom friends you can rely on. I emphasize down to earth- you want people you can be honest with

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, oh man. It’s not as glamorous as I thought it would be that’s for sure. The magazines lied! Good to hear it’s not just myself then. Adapting is quite difficult and you do lose yourself a little. I think it’s time to get some good bubble bath and have a good old bath with a cup of tea and a book. Nothing beats a bath. Thank you for passing by and leaving a comment. Take care x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Having a baby is a major event- the biggest a women could go through! No wonder you are feeling this way you poor thing! I know you are breast feeding but could you pump and then perhaps go to an evening yoga class when your husband is home? Are there are toddler and baby groups around. It is easy to shut yourself away but don’t forget you are a person and “mother” is a massive part of your identity but not all of it. Does Eleanor find music soothing? What if you listened to a pod cast? You are doing this blog don’t forget which is an amazing hobby to have! I apologise if I have no write to make comments on your blog as I am not a mum, but we are trying. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t be silly, you have every right to comment. I like to hear from others and you have pitched some fab ideas. We have a block of swim class that we have signed up too which will get us out and about with something new to explore and are working on braving it into the city centre for some walking. We play music which can soothe her but it depends on how ragey she is,sometimes it goes unrecognised others it can distract her. I think we will have a look to hunt down some local classes to get out to and build it up from there. There is a baby book club held at the library which could be great fun. Thank you! X

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve joined net mums and did post for a little but haven’t been too frequent on the site. I’ll have to get back into it as you are right, it’s definitely the place to go for mum’s and there’s so much topics of discussion and information on the site. X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s like any website it attracts all audiences, we have so many life experiences to share, and being a parent changes how you see like dramatically, and usefully. Thank you x

        Liked by 1 person

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