Tag Archives: Baby talk

Flying with a baby.

Flying with a baby will be easy they said, babies will just sleep they said. Em, let me just revisit what I can only describe as a very painful flying experience with my child. An experience that I am in no rush to revisit for some years. Let me elaborate.

Our travels back from Cyprus to reach home began at 315pm with a coach transfer to the airport from the resort we were staying at. Now, I knew that the time of day and travelling through dinner time as well as bed time could be an issue, little did I know just how much of an issue and the upset that was to come.

The bus ride from the resort to the airport was fairly easy going, Eleanor sat on my lap quite chilled out. Watched out the window and played with the window screen, there was little fuss and I was in good spirits, particularly good spirits considering we were headed for home and back to the daily grind. Although holiday was over, I was excited to get back into a way of life and routine.

We arrived at the airport and got through security with no issue, we had a coffee stop and a toilet trip to get Eleanor changed and freshened up for the flight. Our problems began soon after, a tired baby who refused to nap for the day and didn’t take much food is never a good sign. Waiting in the queue for the gate to open and board, I could tell the trip would be a bit of hell. The queue was massive, the plane was to be full and my baby was very grumpy and impatient getting, this would only worsen as the hours went by.

We finally got boarded and took to our seats on a full plane. To begin, we tried to entertain Eleanor as best as you can on a plane with limited space. We got out her toys from her travel bag and used them as a distraction for her, as this was failing, we tried her with some snacks. Eleanor was not in the mood to play, nor to snack, nor to even have her feed of milk. It was going to be one of those days only without the comfort of home.

The plane was very hot and we had to strip her off to her nappy to try and keep her cool along with a hand held fan. As Eleanor was becoming crannies more people began to intervene. The children in front of us tried to play with her and offered soft toys (she tried to gnaw on these) and I gave them back before the children were left horrified. We were offered words of support and guidance from those surrounding us and we shared sympathetic looks with another mother on board with a baby.

Eleanor was very upset and frustrated after a short period on the plane, with five hours to go of this we tired her with a dose of nurofen to rule out teething pains and a trip to the bathroom to change her. In honesty a change made it worse and she returned to her seta screaming and crying. As red as a beetroot and my heart was breaking for her. I’ve never seen my baby so upset and I was worried that the plane was too hot for her, I didn’t want her to have a convulsion from the heat or anything scary. There was little that I or Euan could do.

From hour three, probably two hours of crying down, this became a constant scream and attracted the attention of the whole flight. I rocked my naked baby in my arms as Euan fanned her off. I tried to offer her the breast but she refused and just wriggled about as though in pain and screamed. I was unsure what she wanted, I haven’t seen her in this way probably ever, a sight and experience that I do not want to revisit. Ever.

The holiday was great, but seeing Eleanor so upset and uncomfortable broke my heart and I have vowed to never put any baby through the stress of travelling again. I’ll never forget how upset she looked and how helpless that I felt in those hours on the plane. Did we push her too far unneccesarily?

We finally got Eleanor to sleep through feeding and rocking, it was painful and heartbreaking. I was worried d for my babies health and I hoped that she was okay as she lay along my torso flat out and hot. I watched her every breath like a hawk and monitored her through tears in my eyes. Travel was just too much for her and I’ll not put her through this for some years again. Not until she can walk, talk and tell me what she needs and wants.

When landed, we had to dress Eleanor who was like a rock from being so flat out. Trying to fully dress a sleeping baby is no easy task, believe me. We waited until near last to get off the plane to avoid the rush. We didn’t avoid the stares of others and the judgement from people as they passed, I wouldn’t have expected to either after the scene that was put on. I was glad to be going home as I’m sure all three of us were. The next goal was getting to the car and making it home for midnight.

Upon arrival home we just dumped our bags and got into bed soon after changjng Eleanor. What a day, what an experience and what a fright we all had. I felt hot and bothered just reflecting on the time we spent aboard the plane. Bed time was a long awaited treat, we were all exhausted and a good sleep was definitely required.

Though not a great experience to say the least, I’m glad that we gave it a go and if was worth while for some family time in the sun and a different climate bonding. Eleanor and Euan have grown a great bond and I’ve fallen more in love with my family than ever which is hard to imagine as I thought I couldn’t possibly have more love to give, turns out, I do.

If there is anything the trip has taught me, it is to chill out and relax more. Don’t live life so on the edge, take it as it comes and forgive yourself for mistakes and mess ups as they will happen, over and over. There’s no way to parent right or wrong, only what works in that moment. We can revisit and review, we can scrutinise and reflect on our abilities but we should never punish ourselves for what has been. We learn grow and move on and I am learning to be more supportive of my own decisions and confident of my parenting.

I’d not recommend to fly with a baby so young but you don’t know how it will go until you try, if you are getting set to jet off with a baby, all I can recommend is that you are as prepared as can be and are aware that it can go either way. Good or bad. Whichever way however, it wont last forever and a bad experience will slip to the back of your mind soon after landing.

For now, I’m sticking to those home comforts and local surroundings. I’ve done my time in the sun and I’ve had my fair share of stress that comes with holidaying as a three, baby in tow. I need to holiday to recover from the holiday, there is no two ways about that. As I return to work in a few short weeks, I am going to have some down time at home with my baby and making the most of the moments that we share together. I am keen to work on her development and milestones at home for the time being and enjoy as much cuddle time as I can possible get. I am all too aware that I will be back to reality soon and that my days with Eleanor all to myself are well and truly numbered.

 

Keren x

Mum guilt; The real deal.

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It’s a funny old thing, you become a parent and all of a sudden you are no longer your own person, you are a Mother, a Father. You lose a sense of identity but gain a whole new realm of responsibility and love that you didn’t even know was capable.

The love for your baby, your child, is like no other. I have not experienced so much love nor emotions prior to the birth of my wee Eleanor. The best and the worst of myself has been put to light and I see the world from a whole new perspective.

I am not as easy going and care free as I once was and the world is now a scary place through the eyes of this over protective parent. I would like to focus this post on something that I have recently began to notice creep up on shopping trips or days out. A feeling that has rised from within and hits like a tonne of bricks ,a feeling that all you Mothers are well aware of.

Mum guilt. No matter what you do, it simply does not feel good enough. It is a losing battle where we are the sole contender.

Guilt, we all feel it, with the exclusion of active sociopaths, add a baby or child to the mix and guilt is suddenly intensified. What exactly is Mum guilt and where does it come from? It has seemed to appear out of the blue for myself and has prevented me from doing the things that I love and taking some time out for myself. Wether that be a half hour shut away to read, getting out for a lone walk or even (god forbid) having a day of pampering.

No matter what my intention lately, I always have a terrible feeling of guilt hang over my head, ready to exploit my mind with shameful thoughts whenever I dare put myself first. I feel that I have lost a sense of freedom and self worth since becoming a Mum, something which is quite hard to adapt to and take control of.

I no longer deem it acceptable to treat myself, not without fear that I should have treated my baby over myself. Do I need this? I ask myself this often. A shopping trip is short lived, and rather than taking items I pick out to the till, I return them to the rack or shelf which I plucked them from. I feel guilty for wasting money on myself no matter the sum. I could have utilised any spenditure on Eleanor rather than myself.

I find myself anxious of time and feeling bad for dragging my baby out just so I can pick up a carton of milk for myself or browse the stores when I could be at home, holding her, giving my undivided attention. I tend to get out but feel panic and pushed for time, I can’t relax for fear that she will want a feed or begin to get uncomfortable and cry.

Crying is perfectly normal for a baby to get attention and I know I have the security that she is always changed and fed before I take her out, I can’t help but feel unsettled at the thought of her crying in public. I always feel that it’s my fault for dragging her out and that I have led her to be unhappy for my own pleasure. Mum guilt.

I no longer indulge in any alcohol or nights out as I feel that my baby could need me at any time when I am apart from her. I just can’t leave her behind knowing that she is my responsibility and could need me at any time. I have reluctantly left her for no more than four hours with my Mother so that Euan and I can catch a screening at the cinema. This has only ever been around four separate occasions, a month apart at least.

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I can’t bring myself to leave her no matter who with or how capable they are. Knowing that Eleanor is so tiny and may need me at any time. I know that my baby is loved and nurtured and with that understanding , I must implicate healthy changes for the benefit of my own health.

I am not just a Mother, I am my own person with interests and needs that I need to fulfill every once in a while. It is important to take time for myself and my own sanity, i owe it to myself to give myself a break without feeling the need to explain and justify my actions.

With that in mind, I am off to the hairdresser next Saturday on a solo outing for a bit of me time and pampering. I am after a fresh dye job and cut, both much needed and long overdue. Oops, blame Motherhood on that one. Free time does not come freely.  A trip to the salon may not seem a big deal to many of you, I’d previously not have thought anything of it either but these days a little time out to spoil myself is a rare occasion.

Following this, we are going to see Stereophonics at the end of the month for a parents night out. How dare we? I’m absolutely looking forward to this and an evening out with my love, I fully plan to make the most of being child free, let my hair down and have fun. I have plans to go all out with a glass of wine in a plastic cup and greasy gig chips.

The last time we went to a gig together was back in July and I was heavily pregnant and spent most of the gig nursing a sore back. This time, I can make a better go at it and not retire early. I got this.

I’m sure that my Mum guilt will be in full swing but im going to really try to get myself into a good mindset and forget Mum duties for the night. It will be time for my partner and I to enjoy. Eleanor will be in capable, loving hands, I just need to let go, chill and live a little. If I can push the Mum guilt aside for even just one night, it will be a milestone itself.

I feel that as Mothers and Fathers, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best parents we can be, we get ourselves down when something doesnt go to plan or work out as we had hoped and we hold ourselves responsible for any setbacks, the guilt can be too much to take some days.It’s time to start pushing that unnecessary guilt trips that we love to drive down aside and putting ourselves first once in a while.

Book a pamper day, take yourself out for a coffee, set a date for a night out (and follow plans through) and for God sakes, buy the dress. Life is too short to spend it consumed with guilt, we all deserve a break once in a while.

Parenthood is hard, it is testing, it is wonderful. Let’s not be so hard on ourselves, our babies will still love us after a few hours without our company.

Keren x

Yes, babies cry. Deal with it (and love them hard)

I am writing this post having been inspired by a recent trip to the GP for concerns over the health of our baby daughter, Eleanor. A baby who has always been, in my opinion very vocal and dependent. I believe this to stem from her connection with me due to breastfeeding. I could be wrong.

My partner had suggested that we call the GP to make an appointment regarding an issue with our baby who seems to cry constantly and wriggle around in pain. Eleanor has reflux which is currently controlled by medication, however, some days not even medication seems to help.

I called the doctor to make an appointment for as soon as possible. I didn’t want Eleanor to be in pain but nor did I expect much was up. She was after all, just being her usual self.  Euan arrived home to attend the appointment, I discovered that we were taking the car to the GP which is a short distance from home, I became upset and wound up.

You see, this sounds silly but it’s tough for me to get out alone. I spend much of my time alone with her and a lot of this is spent indoors as it’s just too tricky to get out, especially with being in a first floor flat. If I want to go anywhere, there is a whole battle with the Pram getting down stairs and out the door before we even get moving.

Some days it isn’t worth the fight with Eleanor if she is in a particularly sleepy or in a grumpy mood. I find I don’t have the fight in me to battle through the cries very often, blame it on the lack of sleep.

It’s easier for me to simply just return home than to deal with the stares of strangers passing judgment as I still past with my baby screaming out from her Pram. I’m not cut out for public judgement, it brings a great deal of anxiety. So, with that mental image and sound of a babies cry echo through your eardrums, forgive me for getting upset having had my dream of five minutes in the fresh air, shattered.

What might not seem a big deal to some, can be a huge deal for others. Something which I have recently learned. We all handle things differently and lately, I feel like I can barely handle things at all. I spend most days alone and some times I feel as though I am losing my mind. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I lack social interaction.

I understand that my partner has work commitments but a five minute walk is not really going to make such a big difference to the working day when  opposed to three minutes in the car? I feel alone much of the time right now and the inability to get out can lead me to feel like I’m stuck in these four walls, all I wished for was my partner to take a short walk to the GP clinic with me. I was once very active and I crave to lead an active life again.

A life that has more challenging excercise to it than the constant bending to change nappies or emptying the tumble dryer. I need to walk, I need to have fresh air. Without it, I go crazy. I’ve given up on my fitbit for the moment as the step count became so pitiful, I felt ashamed to even track and document it.

Back to the GP, the reasoning of this post, I had a feeling that I knew what the doctor would say, having been in this position before. I’m usually lucky to get an appointment as its normally an automated phone service. Nonetheless, the story never changes and the outcome is always “babies cry, it’s a phase” or something along those lines.

I’m never taken seriously with the GPS and feel as though my worries are over looked and brushed off as though I am a mere hypochondriac. Even if I were, I would expect better care and time in the hands of the professionals than what they tend to give.

There was no answer. Babies cry and that’s just how it is. Some are more vocal than others yes, but it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. It were suggested that we try control crying.. as if this would help with her round the clock cries. I wasn’t looking for answers of how to get my baby into a night sleep routine, and I didn’t want advice for control crying, I’d get more information from a book to be frank.

I wasn’t looking for anything actually,  I knew all too well how the appointment would go and knew that I would leave feeling stupid. My partner wanted this appointment as he was certain something was up. I merely booked it to prove a point and to show him that what I tell him when I call the GP each time is not a lie. I wanted him to see for himself how it goes. I wanted to prove my point and stamp my feet at the same time. My inner diva was out to play. I fear you not.

Some babies cry more so than others and they want held. This I know to be true with Eleanor. We were told that she was on the top dose for her reflux medication and to keep with this. When solid food becomes more frequent, her reflux should improve. Other than that, deal with the crying and just get on. If I felt it necessary, I could make an appointment to see the Health Visitor for advice on control crying but there was no cause for concern.

This was all said as I sat there choked up and crying spontaneously myself. I was crying because I was mad to have taken the car when I had hopes of fresh air. I was crying because I was drained, physically and emotionally. I was crying because this was the first outing of the week that involved human interaction  and it was now Wednesday afternoon.

I was mad at my partner, Euan for making me book an appointment to which I knew the outcome. I was told that he would get answers and yet here we are, no further than I have ever got before, Eleanor still crying.

I feel an element of guilt. Guilt that I can’t help my crying baby, I can’t take away her reflux and stop the back arching pain soar through her tiny body. I feel guilty that I want so desperately to have a break from her, even just for five minutes of peace. I feel guilty that I feel the need to have a break from her. As her Mother, I shouldn’t want a break from her. Should I?

I often can feel a whole lot of guilt and it seems that my best is never nor ever will be good enough. I ponder over thoughts about my parenting and I wonder if I’m a good Mother. I wonder if my Daughter knows how much I love her and I worry that I am incapable of the around the clock care she requires.

The Gp, I assume was left wondering who the appointment was initially made for. The sobbing mess of a Mother that I presented to her, or the baby sleeping in her car seat as though butter would not melt? Typical.

The thing is, the GP was correct, babies cry and all that we can do is hold them close and love them harder. It’s hard, it’s real tough, especially when you feel so hopeless and can’t help them take the discomfort of reflux away. Or even know the reason behind the cries. Is it reflux, teething, ear ache?

The guilt you feel along with the pain can be overbearing and overwhelming and I forget that as parents, we too are only human and we need to give ourselves a break and cut some slack or we will lose our minds. Its hard to always remain on top on situations and it’s hard to mimic what a baby wants at all times. Some days, there is just no pleasing these tiny humans.

I guess, I should be both grateful and thankful of Eleanor’s super dependent personality. I am lucky that I have my baby to hold and come time, I will look back and miss the cuddles and the closeness of my baby girl.

The days when I’m back at work and wish I could be curled up with her lovingly by my side at home, when she is a stroppy pre teen and I’m no longer cool enough to cuddle. I should take these moments to appreciate my ‘needy and vocal’ baby and love her as hard as I can all while embracing her before it’s too late and she no longer cares for the comfort of my company.

I hope that through weaning, the reflux will ease off. Our journey with food has only just began and we are still on select puree foods. I hope that when we venture into more tastes and textures, introduce baby led weaning her reflux will slowly disappear and we can forget about the difficulties that it has brought. Until then, I will continue to monitor and control it as best as I can with medication and a whole lot of baby cuddles. I hope that as she grows, she will become more independent and less reliant on myself, with this, the tears will stop too.

If you too have the struggle of a very vocal baby, don’t feel so alone. There’s always someone going through the same and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

We as parents are often too hard on ourselves and can be our own worst enemy, let’s be a little more appreciative of our efforts. After all, we are only doing our best and there are days that push the limits but we have to see past this. Take the good with the bad.

So here I am, sat on the sofa, same spot as always with a lukewarm cup of coffee, staring at a blank screen with a numb buttom from lack of movement,  preaching to all you parents out there, to take your baby and love them hard.

Keren x

A family filled festive Saturday.

Alright, now we are into the beginning of December, time to dig out the old Christmas decorations from the store and get busy… decorating that is. As the first Saturday of the month, we had some time alone just the three of us to enjoy. What better a time than the first weekend of the month to get the decorations up and organised to make way for Christmas day.

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With a busy month ahead and such  little room to add to the calendar, we decided that it was a day to spend as the three of us and enjoy a whole lot of festive treats. First up? Coffee and cake from Starbucks and a trip to Ikea to check out the Christmas stock.

Ikea was a little disappointing, I expected to leave with a bag full of goodies. Tree decorations, chocolate galore, you name it. I already had set my sights on a mini haul of goodies but Ikea failed me. Not on purpose however, the stock that was in store was bland and not to my fancy. I wanted more sparkle and there was a good lack of that in store. Onto the next task.

Having left Ikea disheartened, we headed out to the Disney store to check out the Christmas baubles. Again, there was nothing to our taste and the selection was rather poor. Perhaps we were too late to the game but I felt online had more to offer. Having left the store we venture out to the Christmas Market with Eleanor in tow – she was sleeping soundly and missed out in the chaos of frantic shoppers rushing around.

I’m not a fan of busy. Busy makes me nauseated and uncomfortable, however for the sake of the day, I braved the market in the street. The market didn’t have too many stalls to browse and shop but there were fair ground rides to keep you entertained and an ice skate rink. The ice skating could have been a good way to spend some time but with Eleanor in the Pram, it wasn’t really the time. It was nice to watch the others on the ice for a little though.

There were a selection of huts serving food and drinks. Hot dogs, Pancakes, waffles, mulled wine, hot chocolate. Now we are talking. I opted for a mid afternoon tipple, warm mulled wine. Which left my body Just the right amount of fuzzy. Euan opted for a German hot dog with all the trimmings. Safe to say that we left with happy tummys and a feeling of Christmas cheer.

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Home and onto the main event. The decoration of the tree. Eleanor’s first Christmas,of course this had to be a well documented event. We spent the evening decorating the tree together, hanging decorations as we shined them around Eleanor, trying to introduce her to the idea and concept of Christmas. The tinsel came out to play and I spent some time trying to get Eleanor to grab the tinsel and play with it, she was more interested in her songs that were on the television than the tinsel but I’ll keep at it.

The lights were thrown around the tree and turned on and the Lego train set was put in its place at the bottom of the tree. What’s a Christmas tree without a train set? Especially a Lego train set! I’m not sure how long it will last with the dog running around and the overlap of baby supplies but we will see how we go. I’m feeling optimistic.

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Decorating aside, having had put the tree up, we spent time playing with Eleanor as she babbled away and told us stories. We sang songs together in the form of nursery rhymes, we danced around a little, played with soft and cuddly toys and the tree decorations. I’m super keen to have as much family interaction time that I can with my family and to introduce Eleanor to all of these special events such as Christmas. We had a really lovely time, there was so much fun and laughter from all three of us.

I live for the beautiful gummy smiles that Eleanor gives. Right now, we are seeing so much more of the smiles and hearing her tell stories as she interacts with us. The light in her eyes when you play and interact with her. I wonder what she thinks or feels. I hope she knows just how loved she is. I’ve never been more in love than I am with her. To see the world through her eyes. Ah, my baby.

I know that at just four months old she will not be able to grasp the concept of the holidays and the whole festive spirit but it would be wrong not to try and introduce her to the fun and teach her the ways. I have always loved the Christmas period, I think that this was inflicted on myself from my Mother over the years, she always made Christmas so special. I aim to do the same as she has done for me with my family. After all, what is Christmas without family and a whole lot of love?

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We finished the day with a festive evening spent cuddled up watching movies on the sofa with a hefty helping of popcorn. Jingle all the way and Hacksaw Ridge were the movies of choice before heading off to bed for some big sleeps. I think we definitely deserved the long lie that we had ON Sunday morning. It’s a busy life with a new baby to care for, I tell ya. This mana is tired.

The whole day was so great and to have the time as a family to spend enjoying all of the good things in life is so precious. Family time is the best time, I love it being the three of us and it’s a shame that we can’t get more time together than a few hours of the evening and a Saturday.

It’s certainly a busy life and I don’t know if we are headed for a break any time soon. I’m keen to embrace the time that we have together and to document as much of this time as possible for the times when we can’t be together, I can look back on these memories and smile. Family really is everything.

Hope that you have all had a lovely weekend and spent your time well with your family and loved ones. I wish you all a restful Sunday evening.

Keren x