Mum guilt; The real deal.

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It’s a funny old thing, you become a parent and all of a sudden you are no longer your own person, you are a Mother, a Father. You lose a sense of identity but gain a whole new realm of responsibility and love that you didn’t even know was capable.

The love for your baby, your child, is like no other. I have not experienced so much love nor emotions prior to the birth of my wee Eleanor. The best and the worst of myself has been put to light and I see the world from a whole new perspective.

I am not as easy going and care free as I once was and the world is now a scary place through the eyes of this over protective parent. I would like to focus this post on something that I have recently began to notice creep up on shopping trips or days out. A feeling that has rised from within and hits like a tonne of bricks ,a feeling that all you Mothers are well aware of.

Mum guilt. No matter what you do, it simply does not feel good enough. It is a losing battle where we are the sole contender.

Guilt, we all feel it, with the exclusion of active sociopaths, add a baby or child to the mix and guilt is suddenly intensified. What exactly is Mum guilt and where does it come from? It has seemed to appear out of the blue for myself and has prevented me from doing the things that I love and taking some time out for myself. Wether that be a half hour shut away to read, getting out for a lone walk or even (god forbid) having a day of pampering.

No matter what my intention lately, I always have a terrible feeling of guilt hang over my head, ready to exploit my mind with shameful thoughts whenever I dare put myself first. I feel that I have lost a sense of freedom and self worth since becoming a Mum, something which is quite hard to adapt to and take control of.

I no longer deem it acceptable to treat myself, not without fear that I should have treated my baby over myself. Do I need this? I ask myself this often. A shopping trip is short lived, and rather than taking items I pick out to the till, I return them to the rack or shelf which I plucked them from. I feel guilty for wasting money on myself no matter the sum. I could have utilised any spenditure on Eleanor rather than myself.

I find myself anxious of time and feeling bad for dragging my baby out just so I can pick up a carton of milk for myself or browse the stores when I could be at home, holding her, giving my undivided attention. I tend to get out but feel panic and pushed for time, I can’t relax for fear that she will want a feed or begin to get uncomfortable and cry.

Crying is perfectly normal for a baby to get attention and I know I have the security that she is always changed and fed before I take her out, I can’t help but feel unsettled at the thought of her crying in public. I always feel that it’s my fault for dragging her out and that I have led her to be unhappy for my own pleasure. Mum guilt.

I no longer indulge in any alcohol or nights out as I feel that my baby could need me at any time when I am apart from her. I just can’t leave her behind knowing that she is my responsibility and could need me at any time. I have reluctantly left her for no more than four hours with my Mother so that Euan and I can catch a screening at the cinema. This has only ever been around four separate occasions, a month apart at least.

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I can’t bring myself to leave her no matter who with or how capable they are. Knowing that Eleanor is so tiny and may need me at any time. I know that my baby is loved and nurtured and with that understanding , I must implicate healthy changes for the benefit of my own health.

I am not just a Mother, I am my own person with interests and needs that I need to fulfill every once in a while. It is important to take time for myself and my own sanity, i owe it to myself to give myself a break without feeling the need to explain and justify my actions.

With that in mind, I am off to the hairdresser next Saturday on a solo outing for a bit of me time and pampering. I am after a fresh dye job and cut, both much needed and long overdue. Oops, blame Motherhood on that one. Free time does not come freely.  A trip to the salon may not seem a big deal to many of you, I’d previously not have thought anything of it either but these days a little time out to spoil myself is a rare occasion.

Following this, we are going to see Stereophonics at the end of the month for a parents night out. How dare we? I’m absolutely looking forward to this and an evening out with my love, I fully plan to make the most of being child free, let my hair down and have fun. I have plans to go all out with a glass of wine in a plastic cup and greasy gig chips.

The last time we went to a gig together was back in July and I was heavily pregnant and spent most of the gig nursing a sore back. This time, I can make a better go at it and not retire early. I got this.

I’m sure that my Mum guilt will be in full swing but im going to really try to get myself into a good mindset and forget Mum duties for the night. It will be time for my partner and I to enjoy. Eleanor will be in capable, loving hands, I just need to let go, chill and live a little. If I can push the Mum guilt aside for even just one night, it will be a milestone itself.

I feel that as Mothers and Fathers, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best parents we can be, we get ourselves down when something doesnt go to plan or work out as we had hoped and we hold ourselves responsible for any setbacks, the guilt can be too much to take some days.It’s time to start pushing that unnecessary guilt trips that we love to drive down aside and putting ourselves first once in a while.

Book a pamper day, take yourself out for a coffee, set a date for a night out (and follow plans through) and for God sakes, buy the dress. Life is too short to spend it consumed with guilt, we all deserve a break once in a while.

Parenthood is hard, it is testing, it is wonderful. Let’s not be so hard on ourselves, our babies will still love us after a few hours without our company.

Keren x

Searching for baby day care as I prepare to ‘let go’.

The time has come for me to let go of that ever precious newborn stage and begin to shop around local nurseries to utilise when my maternity leave comes to an end. This is not something that I carry lightly as obviously, I wish for my baby to be in the best hands possible. If I didn’t have to return to work and could spend my time dedicated solemnly for her, I would.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of being a stay at home Mum, I have to go out to work to earn money and continue to lead a comfortable lifestyle and offer the best that I can for my baby.

Besides, as much as I would love to stay in my baby bubble forever, in order for Eleanor to grow and become independent and strong I need to get over myself and get back to it. To regain a healthy work/life balance.

Plus, I think I need to regain some sanity soon as spending my days alone and chatting to my baby has let this young mind get a little hazy and lost. Even more so than previously. I swear mum brain is a thing, a really bad thing.

My memory is not the same as it once were and I struggle to out sentences together some days. Wether this is a lack of a social life outside of those four walls or sleep deprivation, I don’t know. Regardless, I must return to work and live my life again. Come four months time, my spell of nine months maternity leave will be over and reality has to kick start. Staring with returning to work and having Eleanor into a care routine.

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I’m well aware that Eleanor needs to start living her life and interact with other babies of her age to learn from them. I can’t offer her everything that she needs on my own and I feel that interaction with other babies and children can only benefit her development and personal growth. I can imagine she will come on leaps and bounds from the day she steps into her first nursery session.

With starting back to work in the pending months, I thought it best to get stuck in early and begin the search for a local nursery that will cater to our needs. I wanted some place close to home and close to my Mum’s all the same, a care centre that provided healthy and home made meals, introduced plenty of play and interactive activities with support from staff around the clock.

I hope to be return to work for three days per week. My Mother will care for Eleanor some of those days and the other days, she will be on the care of a private nursery. I’d happily have my Mother watch her each day I work but I deem it unfair for my Mum as she too works and I would hate for her to struggle with Eleanor on a bad day then have to get ready to go to work in the evening for a twelve hour shift. That isn’t fair.

With that thought, I decided to look local and check out a nursery in Cove Bay. Close by and handy for my Mum should she do the pick up run for whatever reason. I went to view the nursery and meet with staff to get a better idea of the daily running of the centre and the care that the children receive. I must say, I left really pleased with what I seen and the information I received.

There are several rooms for the children, three outdoor play areas all of which were spacious and there were staff around wherever you looked. The manager met with myself and gave the walk around tour with the appropriate information and answered any questions I had. There is a kitchen on site where both a vegetarian and meat option of meals were cooked and snacks were home baked goods with limited salt, sugar and fat content.

I was really pleased with the whole home made food consensus and with Eleanor going to raised as a vegetarian, this too was perfect as it would suit her dietary requirements and I could be at ease knowing she was getting a healthy meal provided. I can’t stress just how important healthy eating is to me and I want my baby to be well catered for with a wide variety of healthy and nutritional foods.

I actually caught feeding time during my visit and it was good to see that the staff were at large and sat with the children, helping to feed when necessary. I also discovered that if Eleanor is still taking her milk, I can provide the nursery with breast milk for her and they would store a supply to give her as she wanted. It was really nice to see how the staff cared for the children and that the meal times were well organised and ran smoothly.

The nursery also has an online journal that is updated daily and gives parents the opportunity to check on what their child has been up to each day and of any news that is new to the nursery. There are day trips out to the local community and local parks and the children are encouraged to go out and play together.

Getting out is something which I too find very important and part of a healthy and active lifestyle. I’d hate to return to work and think that my baby was couped up inside all day, I do not feel that would provide a full release of energy and I imagine come time, Eleanor will be full of plenty of energy!

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I felt really content with the nursery and the whole running of it. I liked that healthy food was provided with plenty to choose from, there were staff at hand and the children can play outdoors and get on trips. It makes the day a bit more exciting and offers a little fun for Eleanor. The opportunity to meet and play with other babies will be real great for her and help with learning life lessons and her personal development,  such as sharing and kindness.

I have opted to register Eleanor for this Cove Bay nursery for the days in which she is not at the care of my Mum. I looked online for reviews and input from Mum’s for many nurseries, Clive included and this certainly came out near enough the top of my searches. I’m unsure where I will return back to work, the days of work I will be offered and what days my Mother can care for Eleanor but I’m happy and feeling a little more settled now that I have found a nursery for her to register with and attend for some sessions each month.

The nursery offers morning and afternoon sessions as well as full days, I think that to begin with, I may opt to have her attend for around three afternoon sessions per month. This will give a better idea of how it will all pan out before committing to any set plans and full days or weeks of care.

I will get to know how she is coming on with her sessions and if they are worthy for her development. If I were to think that her development was being hindered, I’d have to then rethink my plans and look to find a new replacement nursery.  However, I think that this could be a great day care centre for her and I felt really happy with my insight of the building and staff.

I’m thinking of it more as a taster right now, before devulgung in and going for full days right from the get go. I’d like to break her in easy, if not just for Eleanor, but for myself. I imagine waving her off to her day care will be a very upsetting experience. My baby will be growing up, drifting a little further from me to allow herself room to grow and mature into her own person.

Before attending her first session, parents are encouraged to meet with the staff and create a personalised profile for their child. This means that the staff will try to cater to your child’s needs and each child is seen as an individual with their own choices, strengths and weaknesses. The nursery work on the strengths and weaknesses of your child and allow them dedicated time to do the things which they favour. Your child isn’t seen as just a number, they are allowed to be their own person and encouraged to be the best version of themselves.

I think it is something quite powerful yet saddening when you send your first born off to nursery care. I know I will feel an element of guilt that I can’t be there with her each day forever and I will definitely see tears but it will be a proud moment all the same and I can’t wait to watch her grow into the most perfect little human.

I know that I still have time to cherish and treasure with Eleanor for now as she is only just five and a half months or twenty two weeks if you’d rather. I’m due to be back to work for mid May but will stretch it out to June if possible through use to annual leave. I’m desperate to hold onto the time that I have with her. I don’t want to let go. This is the first time and only time I will ever have with her to myself for such a long period and I’m not ready to wave goodbye just yet.

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Waving goodbye to baby will be tough and finding routine again – another new routine will take time. My return to work will be such an emotional rollercoaster. I will be once again, stepping into the unknown and I won’t have my daily companion by my side, she will be in day care or with her Grandmother and I don’t know how I will cope being at work and not at home raising her by myself.

It’s a daunting feeling that will hang above my head until the end of my leave period but I am certain that I have found the right day care for her and knowing she will be well cared for puts me at ease (a little). I’ll have to stop myself from calling my Mum or the nursery every few hours to check up on her,i just know it. With time, I’ll adapt as she will and it will get easier.

Until then, I’ll just hold her close for as long as I can. Unwilling to say goodbye to the newborn stage and those first months, those first moments that are, oh so precious.

Has anyone recently went back to work after having a baby? Any coping mechanisms for this new Mum who is afraid to let go? I feel guilty and fear to be leaving her,  I don’t know how I can work to get over this fear and just embrace this whole new and ever changing lifestyle that I have taken on?

This family life. My family life. My family.

Keren x

 

Motherhood. Finding myself through creativity and balance.

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As you will be aware, I have began preparing and planning for my Wedding day. Upon doing so, making up lists, gathering material and fabrics.. It has all led to some new found and very welcome creativity. Who knew?

Having finished the whole seven seasons of Gilmore Girls, I was on the hunt for a new past time. Something that involved a little less sitting on my ass and a little more thought. Man, those first few months of Motherhood were well spent if I do say so myself but you can’t stay in a newborn bubble forever. It was time to grow and nourish myself now that I had the whole parenting thing under control.

I have began to enjoy nothing more than taking a day trip out with Eleanor and hunting for cute craft supplies and fabrics. Putting ideas together and creating. It’s nice to get busy and to produce something that you have created by yourself from just ideas is really quite thrilling. It brings a sense of achievement and joy.

Having become a new Mother recently, I got a little lost and almost became just a Mum, forgetting that I, too am my own person and need some time to myself for myself. It took a while to figure out some sort of balance and to find happiness from within in every aspect of daily life but I think I’m finding my feet at long last and beginning to suss out a balance between being Mum and yet being myself.

I have come to conclusion that life really is too precious and much to short to waste and wish it away. I can’t remain a prisoner in the home for fear of stepping out and I can’t stop time, rather I can get out and enjoy it. To make the most of each day and enjoy special moments in each day. It is time to start living and appreciate life for all that it is.

I still get anxious going out alone and I do struggle when faced in some situations, especially social events, but it’s never as bad as I come to imagine. I don’t know what triggered such anxiety build ups, I’ve ways been shy but ever since labour I have been having almost mild panic attacks, mood swings and feel as though I will burst out crying at times for no specific reason.

You can’t control the world and you certainly can’t have everything you want but with a little positivity and creativity I think you can do whatever you want and live in the way you wish to live. Happiness can be found from anything, it’s different for every one. For me, I have my beautiful baby, my family and a busy mind to keep me strong. I couldn’t have wished for a better family or to be surrounded by more love. I really am very fortunate.

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Something which doesn’t come easy, after having Eleanor, I would say I sort of shut myself off from the outside and didn’t take any time off. I was in full baby mode all day every day and it began to drain me of me. I needed a release and a relief from Motherhood but  couldn’t figure out what it was. I couldn’t even figure out how to get dressed with a newborn around, never mind find some form of hobby. I guess you could say that Motherhood didn’t come to me as naturally as I would have hoped at first.

With a new venture, I began to plan and prepare for my Wedding day. A small and intimate affair but that doesn’t mean I don’t have just as much help to plan as any other Bride. Through the use of glitter notebook pages, confetti hearts and paper butterfly’s, I suppose you could say I’ve became quite the crafty dab hand. By no means do I mean that my work is a piece of art, I simply mean that I enjoy this crafty business. I think that it suits me well and is good for my soul. Keeps my mind busy and my anxiety at bay.

Lately, my mind doesn’t seem to shut off. I try to drift off to sleep and ideas pop into my head. Both a blessing and a curse. Damn you, insomnia.

As a bit of a magpie, (self confessed and glitter obsessed) I have an eye for all things pretty, I always have and I love putting together looks and ideas that I have planned in my head. Wedding planning has given me a sense of freedom back. This has become a hobby and an escape, something that I would have previously laughed at and not taken serious but have fully got into and can say that I am really enjoying this whole busy business. It really is good to get up off the couch and get out again. I now have something to look toward other than the TV screen.

Although, I will admit, I do still find myself losing hours staring at and holding my baby close.  The most gorgeous little lady I have ever laid my eyes on. What a truly lovely soul.

Back to it, before I turn all proud Mum gooey – the table arrangements, the favor creating, decoration hunting. It’s totally keeping my anxiety at bay and giving me a focus. I used to enjoy nothing more than arts and crafts as a child, that and writing. It seems having grown older, these old hobbies have come back to me..with a vengeance. Old habits die hard they say. Now I can fully vouch for that.

I am happy to say that through finding a balance and getting busy with a hobby, I have really discovered happiness and unleashed a creative spark that I don’t think will be ending soon. I can now again be at peace with my mind and my body. I am much happier with a focus and have started to feel content as a Mother and realise that I am in fact good at being a Mother and with that, I can again return to being myself. Slowly but surely I will get back into my old skin, only it will be new skin and better. Wiser and happier.

This latest creative spark has had me thinking about creating a small business on Etsy. I am not sure what I could sell yet, or if my creations would sell but I’d like to venture into this throughout the year and put my busy mind at work. I think that a hobby has been just the thing my mind was screaming out for and I’m glad that with getting out there, and getting busy I have also become a better version of myself. This reflects well not just on myself, but on my family. Happy mum, happy baby..right?

I have many ideas running ragged in my mind right now. Everything from wedding crafts to creating a local etsy store to getting experience in a florist. I think 2018 will bring a new experience and a sense of peace. I have a few travel plans coming up this year, if I’m lucky I can draw some inspiration from these trips and the travel experience.

Now if you dint mind, I have a wedding to plan. Must get back to work. What would you like to see from Etsy?

Keren.

 

Let’s talk resolutions.

Happy New Year guys! With a New Year in place, I wish to talk about some healthy changes I plan to adhere to for the foreseeable future. Changes I have made for myself to live better and healthier. Or at least here’s hoping.

The two resolutions that I hold for this year are,  to regain a healthy relationship with food and to begin to read more books.

I’ve previously posted about the struggle I have with my weight and the fight to maintain a slim frame.

For years now I have been reluctant to eat certain foods and intake over 1200 calories daily. I turn away any treats that I deem to be bad and have lost all enjoyment from food. Even dining out had become an issue with me and was mentally draining. I would look at menus and feel a great deal of anxiety building up if I couldn’t see pancakes available on the menu.

Hell, I once claimed to be gluten intolerant as an excuse to avoid carbohydrates and other danger foods. At 22 years of age and 39kgs, I knew the reason for my swollen and tired body was through effect of Ill eating and malnourishment. A gluten intolerance was a mere cover up to my poor choices.

As a resolution for 2018 and keen to gain a better outlook to my general health, I have been working to improve my relationship with food and change my diet significantly. Pancakes or porridge oats for each and every meal doesn’t quite cut it anymore, no matter how much fruit I throw into the mix, my diet requires more substance and less empty calories.

Especially now, as a Mother, I have a reputation to withstand and must be the influence that my Daughter needs. I want for her to see me eating well,  to copy and adapt to a healthy lifestyle as she grows so she can become a strong, healthy and happy individual with a good relationship to food.

I realise just how important food is for survival and that I need to intake key foods to help my body thrive and nourish as it should. As I am breastfeeding at the moment, I am very cautious with what I eat and drink and always have my Daughter in mind when I eat at the moment. As she relies on me for her food and nourishment, I have to ensure I intake goods that will provide her with what she needs to grow.

I like to ensure I intake a full three meals a day and snack on healthy goods such as fruits and nuts. I am on the road to becoming a vegetarian with meat stripped from my diet and weekly shops made up of mostly fruit, grains and vegetables. I am hoping that with a good mindset and vision I can maintain these healthy behaviours and pass on good habits to my Daughter who will be beginning her weaning journey in mere weeks. Something which I am both excited and anxious of.

I also hope to become better with reading again, I aim to read as much as I can, covering a wide range of topics and varieties of genres.

As a one time book worm, I have fallen off the wagon and put reading aside. I got a little lost and side tracked with pregnancy and having a newborn, it left little time to sit down and treat myself to a cup of coffee and a reading session. However, as Eleanor grows and I take back control of my life, I have made it my mission to encourage reading once more.

I’m onto my second book of the year and hope there will be many more to come. I have a set list of books I wish to work my way through and I’m sure as the weeks pass my reading list will grow.

I think that reading is a great past time and a healthy one too. I wish to put more into reading and less time watching the television or scrolling the Internet. There is a lot to be learned from books and I am keen to get stuck into the world of fiction once more and lose myself in a good book.

Do you have any resolutions for the year 2018? Making any big lifestyle changes? Let me know.

Keren x

Reflecting on the past, working for the present. Cheers to 2017.

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As we reach the end of another year, I wave goodbye to what seems an era. I can’t help but to think that 2017 has brought so much good to my family and it has been a year of some very important firsts. First trip to the States, the first time I practiced yoga,  first pregnancy, first baby. The list goes on.

I am not a “new year, new me” kinda gal, rather I am waving goodbye to 2017 with many fond memories and a heart full of love as I look forward to the pending year ahead and all that 2018 has to bring to the table.

I reflect on 2017 as one of the best years of my life and I feel that during the course of the year I really did discover myself more as a person, hold relationships close and love harder. 2017 was the year for me, there’s no hiding that fact.

I discovered I was pregnant on January second and ever since, the news just kept getting better. At first, the news was a little daunting and quite hard to take, especially as I didn’t plan to conceive at this time. It didn’t seem the right time but in hindsight it was the best time to begin a family and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They say what’s meant for you won’t pass you by, I’m beginning to believe that.

I passed my driving test and obtained a license, flew over the Grand Canyon on St. Valentines day, birthed my beautiful girl, Eleanor. I said yes to the one I love. The year 2017 not only brought a host of good memories and achievements but it brought my family and that is something I will be forever grateful of.

I end the year as a Mother and a Wife to be, a Daughter and a friend. As I step out of one year and into the next, I can only hope for a bigger and better year. I have goals I would like to reach and milestones to hit.

I hope to be a great Mother and a partner and I hope to find my feet on the career path. I wish to be happier and healthier than ever and for this to shine on through to my Daughter so that she can be taught good lessons for life and follow on from a good example.

I wish to become more confident both as a Mother and as a person. Since birthing my daughter I have found that I have become more anxious than ever before, this is something that I want to work on and improve. I’ll never be the most confident woman in the room but I want to be able to speak up and step out without fear. Not just for myself, but for my Daughter. I wish for her to grow to be independent and strong with the ability to stand her ground and hold her head with a great confidence.

I wish to become healthier and find happiness in food. I would like to experiment and try out different foods from porridge oats, fruit and chocolate. I want to restore my faith in the kitchen and get back to cooking healthy and nutritional meals to share with my family.

The shopping cart has been filled with goodies of all variety and I hope to continue to keep a healthy balance and a meal plan to regain strength I have lost from years of eating scarcely. I am ready to enjoy food and the benefits of food once again. Enough of skipping proper meals and cutting foods.

I would like to travel some places, first up, Cyprus come April – First family holiday as the three of us. I wish to read more books, a past time that I once loved yet has drifted from me with the recent course of events and a whectic schedule and I wish to plan a special wedding day. I’d love to say that I’d stop biting my nails but that has been a life long habit that I can’t seem to kick, no matter what the year has been!

I sit here and write this with my baby in my arms as we await Euan to arrive home from work. As a family we will be bringing in the New Year with a tin of fizzy juice (full fat, how dare we?!) and a midnight kiss goodnight.

No party animals over here, just two tired parents and a lively baby looking forward to the year ahead and all that it may bring.

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Here is to 2017,the best year of my life to date and to 2018 – let’s try to do one up on this year. Onwards and upwards we go as we carry on our journey into the New Year as a family of three.

Let the wedding planning commence. I wish for you all a very happy New Year, let’s hope it’s good to you all and brings to you the joy that I have experienced from this year.

Happy New Year and all the best, Keren x

We set the date!

Well, I must say that the year has been kind to us. The most special year I have had yet, the year we began the family adventure, the year we got engaged, the year life as we knew it changed forever. I have taken only the good from 2017 and will carry it with me for the rest of my life. It’s not every year you have your first child or get engaged!

To keep the trend going and end the year with a bang, we decided to take the plunge, set the date and book our wedding ceremony. We done this is all of two days may I add, with a baby in tow. Productivity at its finest.

With having the perfect date in mind, we already had a good idea of when we would wed, we just didn’t have the year in place. The fourth of September was our date of choice, already a special day for us as it is both our anniversary and the date of which we took Eleanor to have her birth registered. We thought to extend the day with another happy memory and add to it the day that we are to become husband and wife.

Euan called the office on Friday morning to check that the date was available for the coming year, 2018. They had the date free and we had the choice of time slot to attend. With it being a Tuesday, a funny day to marry.. we know, we went with an early afternoon slot. As the local registrar is a central location we wanted a time that it wouldn’t be rush hour so to speak and guests would have easy access to the venue.

Our ceremony will be small with only family in attendance. Euans parents and their partners, Euan’s grandparents and my parents. My side of the family will be outnumbered however, we decided that we didn’t want siblings or extended family at the ceremony. Small and sweet. Our witnesses will be our birth Mother’s.

To follow, we have booked a small room that can host up to twenty guests at the Carmelite in Aberdeen. We have a room from 5pm and will be greeted with some arrival drinks and finger foods for our wedding party before further guests arrive for the evening meal which will be a sit down three course job with drinks to follow for those who feel like having a few. We are aware it is a school night and people may want to leave promptly after the meal, we don’t expect a wild night by any accord. I don’t think I’d hack that to be honest.

Something I previously hadn’t planned on having however with the extended guests, we decided it would be best to host a meal where we can make special memories with our nearest and dearest. We have chosen specific finger foods and a set menu that will cater for everyone with a few minor adjustments to me carried out.

The room will be filled with just twenty of our guests with three children included. Though quite small, we will have just one rounded table for eating with guests and have decided to decorate the room with different chairs and a variety of colours and fabrics.

The room will have a quirky setting with lot’s of florals for the added bohemian vibes. I’m a big fan of anything floral and have even ordered myself a flower crown for the day rather than the classic veil.

I’m not giving too much away though, there are a lot of ideas out there and I’m still mulling over decor and styles without getting over the top or stepping into a territory of expense.

My dress is all set, it’s not a wedding dress by no accord and it is certainly not designer not expensive, but it’s a dress that was gifted to me several years ago that I have been desperate to wear, it just was never suited to a day trip to the shops or visiting my Mother. It’s a special dress that I have kept in my wardrobe with the tags still on waiting patient for the perfect occasion.

Come closer to the time, I’ll share a sneak preview with you all. Don’t worry. I’d love to share all with you bunch but I have to keep some level of suspense.

We did stick to our guns and keep it as a small affair as we have no need for a big day, all we wanted was a simple yet elegant day to cherish for years to come. I can’t believe when I marry I will be holding my baby girls hand the whole way through! What a privilege, I am certainly one lucky lady and a very proud Mother.

We have found wedding bands and sized ourselves up, with a click of a button we can have them ordered to suit. I have the fancy diamond band as an engagement ring, with a wedding band I have went as basic as you can go I want nothing more than a slim yet timeless platinum band to mark my commitment.

The invites are set to go and the venues are booked, now we just need to pull it all together and we are well on our way to celebrating our big day. There’s a lot of work going on with us behind the scenes and much planning to do – much more than I expected. The notebook is out, the ideas are in and I’m never off of etsy as I try to source ideas and material for the day.

Keep your eyes peeled for further posts and wedding updates, I’m sure there will be plenty and lots of big reveals on the way. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m off to plan for the big day and scour the net for some mini moon ideas. I’m thinking a City break for the three of us.

Lots of love,

Keren x

Stripping back on social media.

In an attempt to lead a life near free from social media, I have recently made some big changes to my online activity and personal online profiles. A step in the right direction.

I feel that in this day and age, we are so consumed by social media, our smartphones and forms of technology and following trends that we get from scouring the web. I feel that it can be overpowering and consume most of our daily lives. Sometimes we aren’t even aware of just how attached we have become to technology and the social media sites that have began to define us. Soon we won’t even need to step outside. Everything is done with the click of a button on our mobile or computers.

We buy things we don’t need influenced by what we see, what we read. I’ll put my hands up and admit defeat there. I’m a sucker for shopping, all I need is that little push and the debut card is out to play.

In an attempt to become less frequent on social media and step out from the realms of the online world, I have cut back my social accounts. I recently stripped my Instagram account almost bare, bar photographs that I hold close to my heart and removed anything about myself apart room my name in my bio. I removed followers and accounts that I follow. It trimmed it right back in a bid to start afresh. I suppose you could call it that. A fresh start.

My Facebook account is the only other activity I have online, I don’t use twitter and haven’t for years. My Facebook is only used to post the occasional photograph of Eleanor for the grandparents to see and to chat to my own Mother on messenger as she doesn’t do WhatsApp or texting. My Facebook account holds little friends, only the people I know and it is private so that not just anyone can have a nosey to see what’s going on in my life. I’d ideally be rid of Facebook, however, I need it at this time to communicate with some family and friends, especially those I’m not in touch with daily.

I felt that I didn’t want to share everything online anymore. Now that my teenage years are over and I am starting to establish myself as a Mother, I want to be able to use my free time to focus on my baby girl. To step away from my mobile phone, to get an escape from the online world of social media and just embrace the time that I have, here and now.

I want to get away from relying on social media to share images and messages, I know realise that I don’t need a specific number of likes on a photo to make me feel good. I don’t need others to approve of my daily activity. I don’t need to be influenced by what I see others do online. As a Mother, with my own family to focus on, I want to begin to be my sole influencer.

I want to take pride in myself and my family life witout the approval of online accounts. I wish to put social media behind me as much as I can (I was previously a big over sharer, something which I have recently cut back on). I don’t want my daughter to grow up and follow trends she views online, I don’t want her to see me scouring the Web from a young age. I want her to see me watching shows of interest, to see me bake, to read, to see me smile and laugh for real. Not to see my giggle over memes of Gemma Collins. Again, guilty.

I’ve decided to strip back and step away from social media. I’ve decided that I want to take the time to be with my daughter and my family and to really be with them. Not to be in another dimension online. My full attention has to be for my family and for myself. I wish my daughter to grow into a strong and self reliable individual who doesn’t need the influence of social media to path her as an individual.

On a bid to raise my daughter well and live a good family life, to find my happy balance, I am stepping away from. The world of social media and online accounts. This may seem extreme to some of you but the thing is, I don’t need these accounts,

I don’t need likes or praise from strangers online to make myself feel good and I certainly don’t want Eleanor to grow and feel that to be someone in this world and to feel recongnised she needs to rely on social media. I want to raise her to be an individual in her own rights and to be independent. She will find her own feet and her calling some day, and I hope that when she does, she wasn’t influenced by the world online.

I have been consumed by technology and the online world for too long. As a young girl, I grew up around Facebook and Instagram. I felt that to be recognised and to be wanted, you needed to have a set number of like son posts, or comments. You don’t. The oh person that you need to please is yourself. I aim to step away from social media platforms in a bid to find myself as a Mother, a daughter, and a friend.

Has anyone felt this same way, that we are all too consumed by technology and the opinions of strangers online? Have any of you taken a break from the world online, if so what did it bring to you?

Keren x