Tag Archives: emotional

Babies first… Mother’s Day weekend.

Can you believe the time of year already? I am shocked at how rapidly time is passing with this new year, as we enter those Spring months. I haven’t seen much of Spring yet, though.

Snow, rain, sleet, wind..yep..the Beast from the East got that lot covered but no hints of Spring which is a little disappointing. Here is hoping that the flowers begin to bloom and everything starts to become a little brighter. I’m so ready to be over with the Winter, to pack away the heavy duty clothing and to see the World come to life once more. I’m ready to regain the spring in my step and to watch the lambs bound around the fields nearby.


March marks the month of Mother’s Day, an occasion that is celebrated all around the World and for good reason. March brings with it my little Sisters birthday, Females all around celebrate International Women’s day. but most importantly, March also brings to us Mothers, Mothers day. May we celebrate the women in our lives, praise our Mother’s and feel a sense of pride as we Mother our own young. March is the month of girl power, for sure. An incredible month for celebrating strong women all around.

This year round, I had the privilege to celebrate my first Mothering Sunday which I will share the details of with you. My little bebe is now six months old and in her short time with us, I’ve never felt happier. Eleanor was meant to be mine and brings with her a daring amount of responsibility. She is a privelige to Mother no matter how tough some days can be.


My journey into Motherhood has not been easy, I’ll never deny just how tough I’ve found this time. I had a difficult labour, the cluster feeding left me feeling drained, we’ve had the crushing effects of colic and reflux, a needy baby who wants to be held and will not sleep alone or even be left in the care of anyone other than myself without a drama. I battle with a feisty, breast fed baby every day who refuses a bottle point blank and screams each time I put her down or into her stroller. I can’t get a out alone often as it’s not worth the battle or the cries that do not end, it beings too much stress.

I have to go to bed at 10pm each night wether I like it or not. I cannot watch any movies or cuddle up with Euan, I have to lay in bed awake and nurse Eleanor to sleep. I could stay up, but she will scream, it doesn’t stop. Don’t even mention control crying, we have tried and I can assure you, there is nothing controlled about it.


My little Eleanor, my Snugs, is full of personality, full of strength, full of temper, charisma and might. Each day with her, I learn more about myself than I could ever imagine. My baby girl has taught me true love, she’s taught me patience, she’s taught me a sense of compassion and flexibility. She’s taught me how strong I can be and how amazing the human body is. Not only do I teach her, but she teaches me.

I couldn’t be more honoured or grateful to be Mother to such a strong willed little girl. It is an exceptional privilege to hold her, to nurse her, to love her and to see the love and the pureness in her eyes as she looks at me. I only wish I could see the world through her eyes.

To watch her grow will be a whole new level of amazement and I’m sure there will be many challenges to come. After six months of playing Mum, I am now confident within my Patenting abilities (to an extent) and I know that as a family we can over come any challenge together and move forward through each stage.

It’s been a busy weekend celebrating and I can finally catch a break to have a coffee and write a post. On Saturday, I headed out with the females of the family for an afternoon tea to ring in my sister’s birthday. Saturday was pouring of rain and cold, I was dropped off by Euan and I met with my Mum, Sister, Aunt and Cousin at the City centre and we then headed off to the chosen venue for our tea and a catch up. Euan went to the cinema as he waited for us to finish and got us back home after. Eleanor was with me also, though sleeping in her stroller.. this didn’t last ten minutes once we got to our seats.

We went to the Carmelite.. our Wedding reception venue, only I didn’t make the call to go here, it was my Sister’s choice. The hotel was busy with parties of Women and families, I assume celebrating Mother’s Day. The table we were placed at was rounded and made for easy communication. The tea/coffee was served promptly and we all dined on a variety of sandwiches, cakes and scones. Lush.

I had a veggie option and had tomato sandwiches, a small mug of soup and snacked on the sweet treats. The variety on display was great and we all had plenty to choose from. My Sister had a great time and that was the main thing, it was her day after all. Eleanor was a grouch, mot untypical of her right now with an ear infection and teething. Nothing would settle her when she became feisty and tired, not even a feed. I had to call it quits and leave a little early.

Though most of my time was spent trying to entertain Eleanor and stressing over her cries, I still had a lovely time and it was good to catch up in a setting away from home.Besides, I am a sucker for an afternoon tea.If you haven’t already guessed, coffee and cake is my kryptonite.

Come Sunday, I woke in a great mood next to my two best friends in the World. Happy Mothers day to me! We had morning cuddles and took it easy before heading out for a latte to kick start the day. The sun was shining so we grabbed our dog Fern too who happily obliged to come along for the walk. I do love a slow paced morning where there is no rush and no plans to commit too. Just me and my family against the World.

We got back from the trip and spent the afternoon doing chores while working through a Wedding song playlist which we have created for the day. We will have no DJ or live band but can play music from our own device freely. With the wedding just months away, we decided to get going and create the playlist to have ready and adapt if necessary.


Late afternoon, we headed  to Tesco to grab flowers before going up to my Mum’s house for a second birthday tea. Only, I left empty handed as the shelves were stripped of any flowers. There was nothing left, it’s a good job that I had already gifted my Mum with a print or she may have been saddened by this outcome. At Mums we had a full table of snacks and goodies, Mum always goes all out on a Birthday, no matter what age,

This time there was a huge cake for the taking. Homemade carrot cake? Don’t mind if I do!! We all tucked in to juice, snacks, pizza, egg rolls.. you name it. I’ve definitely gained the lbs this weekend. Thank god for breastfeeding and the magic calories it burns, otherwise I’d not be able to maintain a slim frame. Eleanor played in her bouncer that was set up and was happy to be passed around for cuddles..until she became grizzly and wanted nothing more than milk..typical. My Grandad had a hold of her and she burst into tears! Drama Queen.


Heading home we left with a full tummy, a full heart and an even fuller bag of goodies that was packed up for us, courtesy of Mum (a serial feeder). I always love to spend time at Mum’s with my Brothers and Sister, it brings a sense of nostalgia and I always feel at home, it is as though I had never left. It is comforting for me to be back in my comfort zone and childhood hang out, only in very different circumstances. I love to see my Family with Eleanor and interacting with her as she grows, the more that I age and grow, the more precious I believe family to be.

Back home, we created the last of our playlist and had a brief listen before I went off to bed with my baby for a big sleep. A weekend well spent brings a week of content. I have had a superb, family packed weekend where I was certainly not shy of love. A truly great first Mothers Day and I look forward to many more years just like this, if not better.


Keren x


No nursery? No problem..

Hush little baby


I find myself spending a lot of my time looking and swooning over baby nurseries. With just mere weeks before my own child’s arrival due, I can’t help but look. A room decorated to perfection with so much attention paid to every single last detail. New parents awaiting their babies arrival, trying to get it right.

Preparing for a baby is an exciting time, emotions and hormones are all over the place and I have found myself buzzing around in a frantic state trying to get things perfect. Prior to the arrival of a newborn, you want everything to be perfect, to be ready, to provide the best start in life to your child. It is understandable that parents to be spend so much time in baby stores and home stores, decorating the home, the nursery to suit this tiny new humans taste. To have the home ready, to have a room ready for baby, a room fit for that little Prince or Princess. A room to be proud of. A room to represent this new change in lifestyle. It has to be right.

I have a very vivid image in my mind of how I would have wished to decorate a nursery for my baby. I would want everything to be pristine, clean, light and open. Minimalist but fitting. White oak furniture and a wicker feeding chair. A sheepskin rug and few shelving units. I have it all planned out.

The only issue; I live in a one bedroom flat. My baby does not get the luxury of a nursery. We have a ‘baby corner’ in the bedroom. Plastic drawers for storing supplies and materials, clothing and a cot bed. We cannot put any murals or paintings on the wall, due to risk of the wall crumbling above us. Not ideal. Not what I had in mind. Not what I would wish for my first child. but, at this time it is all that we have. We make do. I try to be happy.

I observe the nurseries of others and fill with envy. I wish to have this for my child, a room for my baby. A calm place to sit with them, a room to be alone and to bond. A room to make memories in, a place my child can grow. I thought that when I was to fall pregnant for the first time (I want to have three children), I would be newly engaged, in a good position within my line of work,moved into our first time family home – a real home. It would be the perfect start, the perfect time to welcome baby. A place to grow.



As I prepare to begin family life, I mull over the fact that this is not what I had in mind. Not my picture perfect heaven. Not how I had ever planned or imagined this to go. Not how I wanted to bring my first born into the world. I think about this and begin to feel sad. I will give a little insight, I reside in a one bed flat in a block of six. I live with my boyfriend and his dog. There is a communal garden, only it doesn’t really amount to much. The neighbors are quiet, just a few others reside in this block. A few flats lie empty. It is peaceful, little bustle.

I have tried to make our home a pleasant and cosy spot. To smell warm, to look cosy and to feel homely. I do my best with what we have. I try to have it lovely and I work hard to maintain things. To keep home in good order and clean. I suppose it is a place to call home, ideal or not, for now, it is all that we have.

I fear that this may be home forever. My child will never experience a bedroom of their own, we will remain living in an over crowded space and my family will never be able to expand or to grow. I can’t have three children as long as we remain here. My child cannot have friends round, we don’t have the space. At this stage, I feel uncertain of our living arrangements, the future and feel helpless. Will my position ever allow us a family home? The unknown worries and stresses me. I feel hopeless, there is little that I can do to better my family and our position. Will this be it? Is this all that I have to offer to my family, my child? Have I already set myself up for failure? Heartbreaking.

My baby is yet to take their first breaths of the outside world. I wonder what life will bring to them. What is in store? I hope for a happy and bright future, for that family home, for good health and happiness. I hope to better myself, to do well and work hard. To get myself into a better position and improve my families situation. I feel that I NEED to do well and succeed. It is not just about me anymore. I am about to become a Mother, I cannot fail my child. They deserve the world. If I could, I would give it to them.

I continuously examine what we have or don’t have for baby. I hope that what we have and what we have done so far will be enough. I hope that I can provide, love and nurture my child. To be the best mum that I can for them. This tiny human whom I can call my own. Right now, my inability to provide some things make me feel that I lack the ability to be a good Mother.

I know that I should be more positive, I have to be. I must be kind to myself but it doesn’t come easy. Especially not at this time, emotions running high, feeling tired. The unknown and fear of the future scares me. I do not know what life will bring. I do not know what I can bring or if the family home I have always desired will ever be in reach. It consumes me with sadness.

I hope to be more positive, for my mood to improve and to feel happier. To feel at peace with life as it stands and to take each day as it comes. After all, we can only work with what we have. This doesn’t make me a bad mum, surely? I am going to try to live in the moment, to think more happy thoughts and to shine through this darkness and fear. The say that good things come to those who wait. I guess I am yet to find this out. If waiting will get me anywhere, if waiting will provide for my family when the time is right. I hope that this is not all that life can provide.

I can only dream of a better future, that picture perfect future that I had predetermined for myself. I have to be thankful and grateful for this time. I feel like I should feel happy, I should feel content and filled of joy but it can be tough. I try. In the mean time, I can only work on doing what I can and being the best that I can. The best Mother, daughter and girlfriend.

     Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction, ends up being the biggest step of your life.





Preparing for baby; a sea of emotions. A lifetime of exhaustion.



I find my mind ponder over family life. As I sit here around the kitchen table, tired, alone,uncomfortable and a little sore I wonder what is to come next. In my third and final trimester and about to hit the 31 week mark, I can’t help but think about welcoming baby into the world and starting family life at long last.

Thirty weeks down and just a few short weeks to go, I feel so ready yet uncertain to begin a new start. I just want to hold my baby and start that lifelong bond. To start a new life. To begin again as a family.  To explore a new love, a love that is said will last forever. To discover a new routine. To settle.

I am at the stage where I have began to slow down. Things I could previously do with ease are becoming more of a struggle by the day. Tying shoes, emptying the washing basket, simple household tasks, walking distances. I feel a fraud to complain about such minor things and how tired I feel. Daily tasks are becoming a chore and the tiredness is like nothing I have experienced before. I try to keep up with my lifestyle, to get the same exercise in, to rush around, buzzing about from morning through to night when I rest my head on the pillow. but my body is telling me to slow down. To relax, take a break (or ten). The strain is starting to creep up over me and I am left feeling a little useless.



At thirty weeks, I feel my body deflating and taking a hit.Overworked and definitely exhausted, I think it is finally time to start to chill out and take a back seat. To relax and to embrace relaxation, something I don’t really know how to do. I can’t even sit through a movie at home never mind chill out. I always have to be busy. Daily tasks will have to wait and rest should be welcomed. The hoovering CAN wait. Nothing bad will happen if I don’t do it for one day.

I must begin to prepare my mind for baby and gear up to become a parent. Nobody ever teaches you what you need to know about becoming a parent or how to prepare for such a life changing event. It’s no subject taught in school. How can I prepare? Does motherhood always come so naturally? Does that maternal instinct take over as soon as you set eyes upon your newborn? A child you have nourished and grown for the best part of a year.

  “A moment a child is born, a mother is born with them”

  Questions fill my mind at this stage about motherhood. There is little else I find myself thinking about to be quite frank. Becoming a new parent brings with it so much thoughts. So much anxiety, nerves and emotions. Will I be a good mother? Will I know what to do? Will my baby bond with me? My child grow to love and appreciate me as I will them?

Parenthood is stepping into the unknown. There are no manuals to prepare oneself for this with, every experience is different. No one person gives the same advice, the same tips. It can be overwhelming. There are masses of information for first time parents out there, so much material to wrap your head around. Where to begin? What information is legitimate?  What articles stand true to form? Can I relate my experience to that of anyone else when each pregnancy, each parent, each child is so different?

My emotions are at an all time high, ever changing through the day. Happy, sad, anxious, excited, scared. You name it, I’m feeling it. At such a prime time in life, with so much going on, I suppose it is understandable to feel this way. A mixed bag. Uncertain of what is to come. Of how to prepare. To step into the unknown is daunting yet thrilling. I don’t know if any amount of preparation will set me up for what is to come, for this life journey I am about to embark on. I don’t know if I will ever be able to prepare to become a mother until that moment I set my eyes on my baby and first hold my child.

I only hope that when my baby arrives and I can finally hold them. To hold onto that tiny hand, touch those tiny fingers and kiss their head, my maternal instinct will take over and somehow I will know what I have to do. Who I have to be and how I have to love. To protect. To nurture.  I hope that my maternal instinct will consume my mind, my body and in that moment, that first moment I hold my baby, my tiny human, I will know exactly what I am doing and everything will be OK. I will be OK.

I am ready for a love to last a lifetime and to feel in ways that I have never yet felt. To give and receive pure love and sheer happiness. The sort of happiness that they say only a child can bring. Only a parent can experience. I want to feel those feelings and experience such love.

To become a mother. A teacher. A leader. A friend.