Tag Archives: guilt

Mum guilt; The real deal.

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It’s a funny old thing, you become a parent and all of a sudden you are no longer your own person, you are a Mother, a Father. You lose a sense of identity but gain a whole new realm of responsibility and love that you didn’t even know was capable.

The love for your baby, your child, is like no other. I have not experienced so much love nor emotions prior to the birth of my wee Eleanor. The best and the worst of myself has been put to light and I see the world from a whole new perspective.

I am not as easy going and care free as I once was and the world is now a scary place through the eyes of this over protective parent. I would like to focus this post on something that I have recently began to notice creep up on shopping trips or days out. A feeling that has rised from within and hits like a tonne of bricks ,a feeling that all you Mothers are well aware of.

Mum guilt. No matter what you do, it simply does not feel good enough. It is a losing battle where we are the sole contender.

Guilt, we all feel it, with the exclusion of active sociopaths, add a baby or child to the mix and guilt is suddenly intensified. What exactly is Mum guilt and where does it come from? It has seemed to appear out of the blue for myself and has prevented me from doing the things that I love and taking some time out for myself. Wether that be a half hour shut away to read, getting out for a lone walk or even (god forbid) having a day of pampering.

No matter what my intention lately, I always have a terrible feeling of guilt hang over my head, ready to exploit my mind with shameful thoughts whenever I dare put myself first. I feel that I have lost a sense of freedom and self worth since becoming a Mum, something which is quite hard to adapt to and take control of.

I no longer deem it acceptable to treat myself, not without fear that I should have treated my baby over myself. Do I need this? I ask myself this often. A shopping trip is short lived, and rather than taking items I pick out to the till, I return them to the rack or shelf which I plucked them from. I feel guilty for wasting money on myself no matter the sum. I could have utilised any spenditure on Eleanor rather than myself.

I find myself anxious of time and feeling bad for dragging my baby out just so I can pick up a carton of milk for myself or browse the stores when I could be at home, holding her, giving my undivided attention. I tend to get out but feel panic and pushed for time, I can’t relax for fear that she will want a feed or begin to get uncomfortable and cry.

Crying is perfectly normal for a baby to get attention and I know I have the security that she is always changed and fed before I take her out, I can’t help but feel unsettled at the thought of her crying in public. I always feel that it’s my fault for dragging her out and that I have led her to be unhappy for my own pleasure. Mum guilt.

I no longer indulge in any alcohol or nights out as I feel that my baby could need me at any time when I am apart from her. I just can’t leave her behind knowing that she is my responsibility and could need me at any time. I have reluctantly left her for no more than four hours with my Mother so that Euan and I can catch a screening at the cinema. This has only ever been around four separate occasions, a month apart at least.

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I can’t bring myself to leave her no matter who with or how capable they are. Knowing that Eleanor is so tiny and may need me at any time. I know that my baby is loved and nurtured and with that understanding , I must implicate healthy changes for the benefit of my own health.

I am not just a Mother, I am my own person with interests and needs that I need to fulfill every once in a while. It is important to take time for myself and my own sanity, i owe it to myself to give myself a break without feeling the need to explain and justify my actions.

With that in mind, I am off to the hairdresser next Saturday on a solo outing for a bit of me time and pampering. I am after a fresh dye job and cut, both much needed and long overdue. Oops, blame Motherhood on that one. Free time does not come freely.  A trip to the salon may not seem a big deal to many of you, I’d previously not have thought anything of it either but these days a little time out to spoil myself is a rare occasion.

Following this, we are going to see Stereophonics at the end of the month for a parents night out. How dare we? I’m absolutely looking forward to this and an evening out with my love, I fully plan to make the most of being child free, let my hair down and have fun. I have plans to go all out with a glass of wine in a plastic cup and greasy gig chips.

The last time we went to a gig together was back in July and I was heavily pregnant and spent most of the gig nursing a sore back. This time, I can make a better go at it and not retire early. I got this.

I’m sure that my Mum guilt will be in full swing but im going to really try to get myself into a good mindset and forget Mum duties for the night. It will be time for my partner and I to enjoy. Eleanor will be in capable, loving hands, I just need to let go, chill and live a little. If I can push the Mum guilt aside for even just one night, it will be a milestone itself.

I feel that as Mothers and Fathers, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best parents we can be, we get ourselves down when something doesnt go to plan or work out as we had hoped and we hold ourselves responsible for any setbacks, the guilt can be too much to take some days.It’s time to start pushing that unnecessary guilt trips that we love to drive down aside and putting ourselves first once in a while.

Book a pamper day, take yourself out for a coffee, set a date for a night out (and follow plans through) and for God sakes, buy the dress. Life is too short to spend it consumed with guilt, we all deserve a break once in a while.

Parenthood is hard, it is testing, it is wonderful. Let’s not be so hard on ourselves, our babies will still love us after a few hours without our company.

Keren x

No, the housework can’t wait.

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I have chosen to share my views today surrounding becoming a new Mother and juggling the daily household tasks and general maintenance around the home. Something I am sure that all Mum’s dread. I have decided to write about this as it plays a big part in my life, perhaps more so than it should. Or I should let it.

Housework, a drag to each of us on any regular day. Throw a baby (literally) into the mix and it becomes a race to complete the daily chores. You feel that it is never ending and these days, in my case.. it really is never ending. I find that I get through one lot of chores only to have to begin again. It is an endless and thankless task.

All too often, especially of late, I have been told that the housework can wait. That it will be there for another day, during this time period I should take it easy. Strangers when out shopping have even warned to take it easy. Weird, I know.

I should sleep when my baby sleeps. Take all the rest I can. In my experience, this is much easier said than done. It is all too easy to tell someone to rest or to sleep when they can. I, as a breastfeeding, mess obsessed, Mother of a two week old, cannot rest. I cannot go for a nap knowing that the bathroom is waiting be cleaned or that the bedding is to be stripped and washed. It is not my nature. I can only settle when all is in order.

I am definitely obsessed with mess and cleaning up, my obsession frustrates me and those around me. I hate being surrounded by clutter and the sign of a mess building up builds a great anxiety within and sends my OCD; obsessive compulsive disorder, into overdrive. I cannot simply leave things be, I must interfere. As soon as I notice any crumb or dog hair, I’m at it with the Dyson. No matter what time of the day (or night) it is.

 I  am a maniac for hoovering and have recently discovered that I can hoover as well as do a good surface wipe down as I breastfeed my baby. This is super convenient,  if not a little risky (there have been no accidents yet, Eleanor is fine, don’t worry)

I know that with a new baby, I should try to relax and catch some alone time. It is important, especially to take are of myself. Mess is imminent and cleaning up CAN wait, it is my mindset that cannot. I’m on edge knowing that I should be doing something. I do feel that I’m wasting my time when I’m on a manic clean spree and I do feel guilty that this is time where I could be lying with my baby and sneaking in some cuddles as she sleeps. There is simply so much else to be doing or worrying about. Life doesn’t wait and I am missing out on those precious little moments with Eleanor, I am very aware of this.

 

Yes, newborns don’t do very much and there is not so much to be missing out on. Though, I don’t catch every whimper, ever grimace, smile or even snore due to the fact I am running around trying to extend my capabilities and get whatever it is I must get done. Important or not. This still brings me guilt and I wish I could just relax push the over excessive anxieties aside and just take the time to chill and watch over my baby girl.

I simply cannot help this cleaning obsession I have been struck with. I don’t know when it really began, I suppose I’ve always been a neat freak and had set ways, I like things to be tidy and in place. If something is ever out of place, I have to fix it there and then. Dining table place mats, coasters, photo frames, I could go on.. and on. I just can’t relax when there is mess around. Some will perceive mess in a much different way than I do, what I think is messy doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone will.

I need to try to find a way to relax my mind and break this horrible habit. I don’t want to miss out on time I could be spending with my baby due to some crazy obsession. I know there is a happy medium out there and I know that mess isn’t the end of the world. I just have to work on chilling out and taking that little bit of extra time for myself, and for my baby girl. I need to work on this unhealthy routine I have got myself into and improve myself for the benefit of my baby, my family and finding the right balance. As far as balance goes.

Let’s be honest, spending the weekend worrying about the household chores is no way to be spending time with the family. Especially now, with Euan back at work and family time being so strained. I’ll post an update soon with my thoughts and how I am getting on as I try to break old habits and get into a healthy mindset. Here’s hoping come a little time I will be able to kick off those shoes, get my slippers on, and sit back with my family to embrace full relaxation mode – without eyeing up potential spots to polish!